In my preceeding logs I've gone into some detail about certain spiritual deficiencies that I find present in myself and others. Using drugs may be the catalyst of my condition, but its not the root cause of my disease. The fact is that these deficiencies are but symptoms of a spiritual malady. Overcoming this malady is to never have to worry about what someone else knows about me or might do to me. The need to act out in ways that our inapropriate is replaced by a desire to achieve serenity and peace. This peace of mind is a direct result of my correcting the inner short-comings that tend to cause me so much trouble. First I need to identify what these short-comings are and then not find it necessary to act on them. Its pretty simple, yet its not allways easy. I had to learn to overcome patterns in my behavior that developed over a period of many years. I had to accept myself as I was, and no longer try and be someone I'm not. Whether it's with a family member, a friend or peer, or the girl I just met and find attractive.
Living in this manner I'm no longer in constant collision with the people around me. I no longer threaten other people's security, nor do I give them the power to threaten mine. Identifying my short-comings came slowly over a period of many years. Some were realized in my 4th step and others I learned from living like a jerk. Either way God finds a way to bring these things to our attention. Sometimes it happens real subtle and other times it can be like a 2 by 4 across the back of your head. Once I recognized my short-comings, things like lust, self-centeredness, pride, self-esteem and fear it became a process of learning how not to act on them. Some of these defects I believe are built into us so deep that not acting on them can be like not breathing. I know over the years I became programed like a computer.
Today, whenever a situation pops up I ask myself one question. Who do you want to be today? Do I want to be a person of character, or do I want to be that crazy addict that lied, cheated and stole his way through life. The answer is very simple, I can't live dirty and still stay clean. I need to remember that my primary purpose today is to stay clean and help another addict. As long as I do that I have a shot at being a better person. Hopefully a grateful person, because a grateful addict doesn't find it necessary to pick up.
Have a great day, Bob