BobWired

CORRECTING CHARACTER

In my preceeding logs I've gone into some detail about certain spiritual deficiencies that I find present in myself and others. Using drugs may be the catalyst of my condition, but its not the root cause of my disease. The fact is that these deficiencies are but symptoms of a spiritual malady. Overcoming this malady is to never have to worry about what someone else knows about me or might do to me. The need to act out in ways that our inapropriate is replaced by a desire to achieve serenity and peace. This peace of mind is a direct result of my correcting the inner short-comings that tend to cause me so much trouble. First I need to identify what these short-comings are and then not find it necessary to act on them. Its pretty simple, yet its not allways easy. I had to learn to overcome patterns in my behavior that developed over a period of many years. I had to accept myself as I was, and no longer try and be someone I'm not. Whether it's with a family member, a friend or peer, or the girl I just met and find attractive.

Living in this manner I'm no longer in constant collision with the people around me. I no longer threaten other people's security, nor do I give them the power to threaten mine. Identifying my short-comings came slowly over a period of many years. Some were realized in my 4th step and others I learned from living like a jerk. Either way God finds a way to bring these things to our attention. Sometimes it happens real subtle and other times it can be like a 2 by 4 across the back of your head. Once I recognized my short-comings, things like lust, self-centeredness, pride, self-esteem and fear it became a process of learning how not to act on them. Some of these defects I believe are built into us so deep that not acting on them can be like not breathing. I know over the years I became programed like a computer.

Today, whenever a situation pops up I ask myself one question. Who do you want to be today? Do I want to be a person of character, or do I want to be that crazy addict that lied, cheated and stole his way through life. The answer is very simple, I can't live dirty and still stay clean. I need to remember that my primary purpose today  is to stay clean and help another addict. As long as I do that I  have a shot at being a better person. Hopefully a grateful person, because a grateful addict doesn't find it necessary to pick up.

Have a great day, Bob

"Practice not perfection"

The issue I chose to discuss in my previous blog is just one I felt was prominent in my life. The fact is though that different people will all have different issues and as a result tend to act out in different ways. As a student of life I find it interesting to observe peoples behaviors and contemplate on what I think there motivations are. I never find it necessary to fill a person in on what I believe it is that drives them, nor do I discuss things of that nature with the people around me. Talking to a person about someone elses defects isn't meant to help anyone, but more so its to make myself feel more superior then the person in question. Acting in that manner is just another intricate part of this spiritual disease that is present in a lot of people inside and outside of recovery. No ones perfect though and occasionally we all may feel the need to gossip rising up inside of us. What I try to remember is this if I don't open my mouth then my mouth can't get me in trouble. Ofcourse we are social creatures and to go through life not speaking just wouldn't do. How then would we make friends, start relationships not to mention do our jobs and make a living.

For me I believe that practice is the key, I try to think before I act or speak. I try and remember that love cultivates love and that hate only cultivates more of the same. Jesus said "To love thy neighbor." The best way for me to accomplish this is to think of everyone as a child of god. This makes everyone I meet my brother or sister. I remember that sometimes siblings dissagree or argue about one thing or another, but at the end of the day they their still family. I have to remember " principles before personalities." There's an older gentleman at one of my meetings that allways says would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? I choose to be happy today and its allways my choice. I choose to forgive those that trespass against me as I myself would wish to be forgiven.

These are some of the things I try to practice on a daily basis, yet I know I fall short. That's o.k. though because I'm human and I'm allowed to make mistakes. Its progress not perfection.  When I make a mistake I try and look at what was behind my making that mistake. This is what the 10th step is for. unless I change the way I've allways done things I'm destined to make the same mistakes I've allways made. Unless I change I'll never know peace. The end result I'm after is to be happy,  joyous and free. If I fail to achieve this result I will most likely use again and for me to use is to die. That's why for us addicts it's either "change or die." Believe me when I tell you that dieing ain't much of a living. Alot of what I write about is meant to help myself and anyone else that's interested to facilitate this change. One thing I would like to make clear is that I'm definitely not a saint. I'm just an addict thats trying to practice certain principles in all of his affairs. The Big Book states that " the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it." I've put that to the test and ended up getting high again.

The void I wrote about in my previous blog can't be filled with material things I've tried. We are spiritual beings that is why the solution to our problem is a spiritual one. I've heard that there are as many definitions for the word spiritual as there are people that try and define it. For me spirituality is simply being at peace with myself and the world around me. In my experience this peace can only come from a trusting relationship with my higher power. On this Easter day and every day I want to remember that GOD IS GOOD! ALL THE TIME!  Where ever I go I want to bring god with me. If I'm God-centered today then I won't be self-centered today. I'd like to wish all the bloggers out there a very happy easter and as my mother would say let's try and make it a better day for someone else.

God bless us all, Bob

learning to love

While I was out there using drugs all those years I was searching for something to fill a void inside myself that was never ever satisfied.After coming into recovery and removing the drugs from my life, I didn't realize it, but that void was still there only it was bigger then ever.I used money,cars,clothes, jewelry and people especially women to fill that void and feel good about myself.For awhile this formula seemed to work and I felt better about myself until just like with the drugs the feeling wore off and I'd had to repeat the whole process all over again.

Bill Wilson, a co-founder of A.A., pointed out that our instincts for sex relations, material and emotional security and for companionship were surely God given and therefore necessary and right. Yet all of these instincts so necessary to our existence often exceed their proper function.I cant begin to tell you how right I believe he was especially were us addicts are concerned.As far as my own instincts are concerned I can see how they've totally exceeded there proper functions and caused me a great many difficulties.

I believe next to fear its self esteem coupled by ego and pride that cause a person to act out the most. I know that for me I was driven by an innate need to be held in high regard by the people around me.Casually and subtlely I've acted out to get attention. It would seem that the more I was reveered, looked up to and yes even envied the better I tended to feel about myself.What allways seemed to happen though is that the people around me could never live up to my expectations and as a result I felt dissappointed and hurt.The sad fact is that no one person can totally satisfy there own needs and someone elses and still be happy.Not realizing this I've often seeked out much of my attention through women.Even when I was presently in a relationship with one girl I would find myself wanting to seek out and be with another.I justified this behavior by telling myself I just liked having sex. In all honesty though,I was lieing to my self.If it had just been about sex I could have been having all I wanted with the girl I was with.Therefore it was more about ego then it was about sex.It stemed from an over whelming desire to be pursued by members of the opposite sex.If I could get some attactive young female to share my bed it would temporarily fill something inside myself that I felt I lacked.It gave me the feeling that I was young enough and handsome enough to be wanted by women other then the one I was all ready with.

What it came down to was this that deep down inside I didn't feel like I was good looking enough or special enough to be wanted by members of the opposite sex.Most likely this thinking was a product of information I've absorbed through television, motion pictures and through interactions with my peers who have also been influenced by these external forces.

Another part of this behavior could be called big-shotism, because it usually wasn't enough that I knew I was with these girls. It then became about who else I could make aware of the fact.How else could my ego get the attention or validation that it craved.How I looked wasn't as important as how the girl on my arm looked.The better looking the girl was the better I thought in my mind it made me look.

Thoughts and feelings like these are a big part of what they call a spiritual disease.They develope in our childhood right through to our teenage years and beyond.This is just one example in the near future I hope to look at and explore several more.I'd be interested in reading anyone elses comments or insights on this subject matter.

Today I know that there's nothing wrong with having nice things or being with a beautiful girl so long as my motives aren't to arouse jealousy or a need to be looked up to by other people.The most important thing in my life today is that I learn to love myself and the people around me simply for who and what we are and what it is that God wants us to be.

Have a great day, Bob

reflections

For a long time I've gone about my buisness,not realizing how my actions effected others.I've allways done what I wanted when I wanted to.Through years of recovery and a few painful relapses I've learned some things about myself that help me in my everyday life.I'm definetely a person that has learned fron his mistakes,but today I have a chance to apply this knowledge and live a much happier life.I heard it said once that people are like icebergs.You may be wondering exactly what that means. Its simple,but pretty deep only 1/8th of an iceberg is visible from the surface. The other 7/8ths remains hidden under the water completely out of sight.One of our biggest defenses is only revealing what we want others to see.The better we understand this part of ourselves the better off we are as human beings.more tomorrow.

welcome

Its my hope to author a site that will help those of us that suffer from the disease of addiction take a long hard look at how we've lived and why. It is also my intention to try and help any one that has suffered from the actions of an active addict to better understand why it is we tend to act out and hurt the ones we love. I invite you inside the mind of this addict to try and expose some of the innate and learned behaviors that ultimately dictate the many different patterns in ones life. The behaviors I speak of are not just limited to people with the disease of addiction,but tend to manifest themselves in all man kind in one form or another. They stem from our instincts,emotions and desires and ultimately become the catalysts of all our short comings.Some of us turn to drugs others sex may be we live beyond our means spending money like its going out of style. Theres gambling,working,overeating not eating enough any one could add to the list. What is most likely though and was certainly true for me is that on any given day a combination of these behaviors would be the norm.I know the answer to all of these problems is spiritual. Its just that recognizing the behaviors and finding a balance can be difficult.I know that anything I've done more then once and liked I'm addicted to. Thats o.k. I can accept that, just as long as it doesn't make my life unmanageable.