While I was out there using drugs all those years I was searching for something to fill a void inside myself that was never ever satisfied.After coming into recovery and removing the drugs from my life, I didn't realize it, but that void was still there only it was bigger then ever.I used money,cars,clothes, jewelry and people especially women to fill that void and feel good about myself.For awhile this formula seemed to work and I felt better about myself until just like with the drugs the feeling wore off and I'd had to repeat the whole process all over again.
Bill Wilson, a co-founder of A.A., pointed out that our instincts for sex relations, material and emotional security and for companionship were surely God given and therefore necessary and right. Yet all of these instincts so necessary to our existence often exceed their proper function.I cant begin to tell you how right I believe he was especially were us addicts are concerned.As far as my own instincts are concerned I can see how they've totally exceeded there proper functions and caused me a great many difficulties.
I believe next to fear its self esteem coupled by ego and pride that cause a person to act out the most. I know that for me I was driven by an innate need to be held in high regard by the people around me.Casually and subtlely I've acted out to get attention. It would seem that the more I was reveered, looked up to and yes even envied the better I tended to feel about myself.What allways seemed to happen though is that the people around me could never live up to my expectations and as a result I felt dissappointed and hurt.The sad fact is that no one person can totally satisfy there own needs and someone elses and still be happy.Not realizing this I've often seeked out much of my attention through women.Even when I was presently in a relationship with one girl I would find myself wanting to seek out and be with another.I justified this behavior by telling myself I just liked having sex. In all honesty though,I was lieing to my self.If it had just been about sex I could have been having all I wanted with the girl I was with.Therefore it was more about ego then it was about sex.It stemed from an over whelming desire to be pursued by members of the opposite sex.If I could get some attactive young female to share my bed it would temporarily fill something inside myself that I felt I lacked.It gave me the feeling that I was young enough and handsome enough to be wanted by women other then the one I was all ready with.
What it came down to was this that deep down inside I didn't feel like I was good looking enough or special enough to be wanted by members of the opposite sex.Most likely this thinking was a product of information I've absorbed through television, motion pictures and through interactions with my peers who have also been influenced by these external forces.
Another part of this behavior could be called big-shotism, because it usually wasn't enough that I knew I was with these girls. It then became about who else I could make aware of the fact.How else could my ego get the attention or validation that it craved.How I looked wasn't as important as how the girl on my arm looked.The better looking the girl was the better I thought in my mind it made me look.
Thoughts and feelings like these are a big part of what they call a spiritual disease.They develope in our childhood right through to our teenage years and beyond.This is just one example in the near future I hope to look at and explore several more.I'd be interested in reading anyone elses comments or insights on this subject matter.
Today I know that there's nothing wrong with having nice things or being with a beautiful girl so long as my motives aren't to arouse jealousy or a need to be looked up to by other people.The most important thing in my life today is that I learn to love myself and the people around me simply for who and what we are and what it is that God wants us to be.
Have a great day, Bob
Too bad your straight, but not for you. I like what you said and I love the idea of BigShotism. You and me both. Thanks for your comment on my Grandpa. Unfortunatley, Daddy never said squat about my adventure. His Dad died a few months after my sister's and my adventure. Life is strange. There are so many secrets in my family. I'm enjoying your Blog. Keep going. I've added it to my favorites and excuse my spelling - please.
Posted by: Hannen | March 30, 2005 at 09:09 PM
CHAISE ANN I TOLD YOU TO START PRAYING!!!!
Don't cry "I need help!" yet go home and turn on the television. The gods don't respect this.
There is no such things as a savior. This is yet another tactic they have employed as temptation, much like "earning" or distractions.
You have to save yourself.
The Man in the Moon clue:::A constant companion, the "Man in the Moon" clue needs to be viewed as a reminder, for this environment is one in which it is very easy to lose your way, either via temptation or distraction.
Look to the sky. Begin to associate the Moon with the clue they impart with this celestial feature. Use it as a reminder to pray, to be god-fearing, for this is a very antient clue and shows their great power.
We only see one side of the moon at all times, another clue from the gods:::There is a "dark side" we don't see.
There is a BIG LIE here. Sigmund Freud proves it.
Wine proves it. Democracy proves it. Materialism/greed proves it.
The middle management tactic allows them to maintain this perception of an "absentee good (Christian) god", ensuring one of the goals of the United States remains useful::::NO FEAR!!!
The gods instruct Artificial Intelligence to employ evil as temptation. If people still believed in the Devil at least they would be on the lookout. Resign to be good.
Where does the Biblical number "666" ocurr within the context of The Beast, the San Francisco Bay Area???
The gods are sending a clue Yahoo is good with this Chinese censorship issue.
The American idea of freedom is a shock rocker anally masterbating with a crucifix. This is what the disfavored are free to view in this open society, and due to their disfavor a certain percentage will either be pushed into it or will comply, ensuring damnation. It's kind of like the KKK and Apartheid issue except this is for whites of the modern era::::Democracy ensures a false sense of security.
US popular culture is obsence. Intentionally. The gods are preying on the disfavored who remain, those foolish enough to participate.
The Chinese have favor and the gods allow the government to protect the citizens, but Chinese cut-off is fast approaching, for soon westernization will le
Posted by: CHAISE ANN I TOLD YOU TO START PRAYING!!!! | November 17, 2007 at 08:55 PM